THE FACE OF THE NEO FAMILY
SINGLE MEN TACKLE ADOPTION
A wail erupts from the kitchen. “Knock it off!” Brian Tessier shouts as he strides from the bathroom and down the hall, half buttoning up his shirt, half doing up his belt, “I have a conference call in an hour. You two better be getting ready.”
When Brian enters the room, Benjamin is slurping down Cheerios at the kitchen table, while Bryce sits on the floor by the scattered blue, red and yellow Legos. “Ben threw a block at me,” Bryce mumbles.
“Well you weren’t getting ready fast enough, and you stole my baseball cap,” Ben replies.
Brian sighs. It’s going to be one of those mornings. Nine years ago, before he adopted his first son Ben (now 11), getting ready was smooth and effortless. It was just himself, alone in the silence.
Now, Brian wobbles through the maze of Lego and gets Bryce to continue on with his morning routine. Ten minutes later, Brian helps the boys get their backpacks on and effortless laughter fills the room.
When their hats, coats and bags are assembled, Bryce and Ben race through the door and across the lawn. Almost as an afterthought, Bryce yells over his shoulder “Love you Dad!” Ben turns around as well, meets his father’s eyes and smiles.
Brian smiles back. This is what he lives for.
Brian’s journey to fatherhood began more than 15 years ago, when he realized he desperately wanted to be a father, but the conventional way of doing things – marriage first, babies second – wasn’t going to work for him. So, he set out to adopt by himself.
As a Family Court Attorney familiar with social services, Brian knew being a single man would not make adoption easy.
It took Brian years to figure out if he really was going to adopt. First he had to deal with his own insecurities. For example, he worried about how he’d be perceived by others.
“I was worried people would think I was a pedophile,” Brian said.
A single man seeking a young child could raise questions and although he was breaking the rules when it came to the traditional family unit, he knew he wanted to be a father.
Then, like most fathers, Brian questioned whether or not he would be a good parent.
“After a long time I just realized that if I was able to get a child, I would do anything for him. That’s when I knew I was ready for parenthood.”
Brian started considering his options, one of which was international adoption. But, the process is very difficult for single parents. Despite the large number of children in need, many countries don’t allow single parents to adopt. So, for North American men it is often not even a choice.
BRIAN'S STORY
WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO ADOPT?
INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
Then there is the cost, which can be steep for many single-income families.
Brian decided domestic adoption was best for him. But it would be two more years before he became a father.
Unlike some of Brian’s friends, who could simply have children biologically whenever they chose, he still had to go through a maze of adoption regulations. These hurdles included:
1. Criminal Record checks
2. FBI checks
3. 10 weeks of parenting classes to prepare him for raising an infant or toddler
Many experts think the home environment -- not the family’s structure -- should be the top priority when raising children.
Dan McGann, a social worker for family services at Credit Valley Hospital in Mississauga, Ontario agrees.
A child is being raised in a healthy family when he or she experiences “love, affirmation, safety and acknowledgement,” said McGann. “At the same time. a child needs limits and routines to help with growth and development.”
Brian knew that creating a loving home was his first priority.
At the time of their adoption, both Ben and Bryce were developmentally younger than their ages largely because of neglect. But Brian Said that with the right tools and a lot of love, they caught up very quickly.
“You work harder, you try harder, because it is something you thought you were never going to have. My children are my greatest gift. I see that will all the single male parents I deal with. They never thought this dream would come true and it did.”
Single men that adopt children, such as Brian, are still very unique. What’s becoming more common is fathers who raise their biological children on their own.
SINGLE FATHERHOOD
Jamie
Paul
Paul Beattie of Hamilton is a single father who said he put his two kids first. For Paul that meant leaving his mentally unstable wife to create a better home for his daughter and son.
“The most rewarding part about being a single father was raising my kids in a safe and positive environment,” said Paul. “Even though their mother wasn’t in their lives, they grew up to be exceptional individuals that I am very proud of today.”
Jamie Scarlett of Georgetown, Ontario also brought up his son by himself. Today Jamie says he has succeeded at single fatherhood – his son is growing into an honest and respectful man.
“I think the greatest misconception about single fathers is that they can’t do it,” said Jamie. “But we can and we can do it well. Raising my son is the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I would never change it for the world.”
SINGLE FATHER STIGMA
As the family structure is changing, success stories like Brian, Paul, and Jamie’s become more prevalent in today’s neo family. Single men are proving just as capable of providing a loving, caring, and stable environment for raising children.
This story was completed by:
EDITORIAL TEAM
Deanne MacRae
Kelly Fram
Samantha Beattie
Emmanual Ponce
Alex Van Hamme
Brian and adopted son Ben courtesy of WGBH News.
Brian and both adopted sons, courtesy of Brian Tessier's Vimeo Account.
Brian and adopted son Bryce, couresty of Brian.